Letter to Mom – Two Years

Today is fast becoming my new mother’s day. Not in a way to celebrate, but more to honor my mom. I often talk with her and let her know what is going on, and this year, I’m writing a letter to my mom, to keep her updated on life as it has happened without her since she left us. In a way, it is my therapy.

Hey mom!

Two years ago you left us, and not a day goes by where I don’t think of you or I’m not reminded of you. Normally it is funny things, and sometimes it is the realization that “mom would have really loved this” but you’re not there to share in the experience. And other times, it is just sadness.

I never fully understood the times you shared stories from your past, especially as it related to Nana, and there were those moments of quiet. You rarely mentioned how much you missed your mom, but it was always evident when you were having one of those moments. I get that now. There are days when I am overwhelmed with sadness. I don’t always know what triggers this, but if these moments were anything similar to what you experienced, I totally get it.

So it goes without saying, that I miss you. We all do. Life is not the same without you here to share it, but I understand the cycle of life. I just don’t like it at times

So what has been occurring this past year or so? It is definitely one for the record books I think.

Let’s start with COVID-19. It’s horrible, and while I am not elated that you are not here, I would have been completely panicking if you were still alive. From the day I arrived at your hospital bed to the day you passed away four days later, you were surrounded by people who loved you. COVID-19 has been stopping families from having this experience with their loved ones. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like to know you were sick and dying, and your contact with family was limited to looking through a glass window, or through an iPad. For two days, you would never have known we were there. My heart breaks thinking of the families that have to endure this in the final days of their parents, grandparents, siblings, children, and friends. Now there would be a good chance that you could have lived through Coronavirus, but let’s be honest, the odds would not have been good.

On the lighter side, we have made great strides with the Victor Stanley Barlow (SVB) family story. I can’t recall the number of times you shared small updates about your research and connections, and how excited you were that you were inching closer to a new discovery. Well, it happened. In a big way! It turns out that SVB didn’t disappear – well he did – but he resurrected himself as David Stanley Steele, and there is a whole family line of his descendants. As in quite a few.

So many stories that I would have loved to share with you, and I know you would have been giddy with excitement as we learned of these new connections. This was a part of the reason why I had my DNA tested (through Ancestry) and I received the results back a few weeks ago, and there so many new connections to explore.

One of the biggest adventures that Chris and I have undertaken this year was buy a boat. There were some ups and downs with the process, but in January we finally became boat owners. Of course, you would have loved it. I remember the conversations we had after Chris and my Mediterranean cruise in 2014. Going on a cruise or on a train ride across Australia was on your bucket list, and while you didn’t get the chance to do that, you do cruise with us every time we are on the lake. We named our boat Aurelia Dawn in honor of you and Chris’s mom. It’s not a cruise ship, but it does qualify as a yacht!

During these COVID-19 times, we have spent a good amount of time on Aurelia Dawn. It’s been our little piece of paradise to enjoy, mostly in solitude. We’ve been exploring Lake Texoma – where she lives – and helping the girls get acquainted with her. The girls have mixed feelings about boat life, but they are slowly adjusting. It also gives us some downtime, when we are not working on small projects – which seem to pop up all the time.

On the family side, apart from the genealogy work, there isn’t much going on. As two years have passed, I completely understand the frustrations you shared about all your siblings. It’s taken me a long time to move forward over the issues we faced once you died, and I don’t think I will ever forget. I don’t really give them much thought, to be honest, and regret not suggesting that more often to you. I guess I have a lot of regrets when it comes to your family, especially how they contributed to your overall decline in the last few years of your life. Anyway…

Ending on a positive note, our family continues to thrive. You have added two more great-grandchildren to your list since you passed away. Walker welcomed Jensen a few weeks after you died, and Simone introduced us all to Armani-May in May last year. What a legacy you have created, and continue to create. It was the one thing that always made you so happy: your children and grandchildren (and great-grandchildren). You did really well!

There has been so many other things that have transpired over the past twelve months, but these were the biggies. We do continue to move forward and “get on” with our lives without you, but I’ve found that when we can include you those experiences they become so much more fulfilling.

In signing off, just know we are all doing well. We all continue to figure out these emotions we have when we think of you. Sometimes joy, sometimes sadness. We do miss you still, and we will continue to until we aren’t around any longer. I remember you telling us that you didn’t need one day (a reference to mother’s day) to be reminded of how much your family loved you. Well you also probably don’t need a day to be reminded of how much we miss you, but today is that day.

Miss you and love you mom.

Love,
#3 son